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Today,  I cry again. Yesterday, I cried like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t know until when these tears will stop. I feel so bad. I feel I am not worthy after all to be born in this world. Why would I be here in the first place? Why would Allah send me here and be where I am now? Life full of thorns that keep hurting me. I am not a strong person. Besar sungguh ujian Tuhan kan? Why would I be given my name? Which bear its meaning of “guidance”? Why? When after all, I am no “pertunjuk” at all. I can’t be one. I am useless. My tears are falling again. I’m hurt.

I can’t take this anymore.

I’m so sorry, Allah. I can’t bear this anymore.

Allah, please help me. =’(

————————————————————————————–

Kanan dan kiri suramnya terasa
Cuba fahami apa yang terjadi

Kanan dan kiri suramnya terasa
Cuba fahami apa yang terjadi
Tidak tertanggung beban di alami
Mengapa terjadinya sebegini

Tiada guna bertanya semua yang terjadi
Janjiku kepada diri hidup harus aku teruskan

Tuhan berikan sinar harapan
Hembuskan suatu kekuatan
Kumohon jauhkan dari kegelapan ini
Agar bisa aku teruskan

Walaupun lelah untuk menghadapi
Mengalah bukan jawapan yang ada
Walaupun berat segala di dada
Ku pasti mengharungi keakhirnya

Tiada guna bertanya semua yang terjadi
Janjiku kepada diri hidup harus aku teruskan

Tuhan berikan sinar harapan
Hembuskan suatu kekuatan
Ku hanya insan yang kerdil di dunia ini…
Tunjukkan ku jalan hadapan
Ahhh…oohh

Genggami tangan ini oh teman
Disaat aku memerlukan
Dan bila waktu untuk melangkah pergi….
Berikanlah daku cahaya tabahkan jiwaku oh tuhan
Ohhh….

Yang hiba,
Syd xx

I got this from Q’s blog. Which she got it from somewhere.

It is really a nice,moving poem for those who actually seeking for True Friendship.

There’s actually no one for us to trust in the world except for Him. Only to Him we can turn to. And only to Him we can get the wonderful moments.

Read through. And you will know what I feel.

————————————————————————————

TRUE FRIENDSHIP
by Dena Al Atassi

Outside, one sunny, college day
I looked up to the sky
“Will you be my friend?” I asked
Between my Lord and I

“I’m having problems with your slaves;
They violate Your Path.
I’ve been trying to stay away
What may incur Your Wrath.

“The thing is, Lord, I really don’t
Mean to judge at all.
But I’m just staggered by what they do–
I’m afraid, through them, I’ll fall.

“How can I possibly improve myself
When all I have are these
‘Friends’ who really only want
To laugh, and play, and tease?”

During my self pity I
Suppressed a voice inside
Suddenly, I fell silent and
Was told of my own pride.

I heard a voice within me call,
“Oh slave of God Above!
Did your Lord not demand from you
To treat others with love?

“Your Prophet, peace upon him, taught
That to division will fall prey
The one who stands up for their faith
Towards the Final Day!”

I heard an angel whisper then,
“Daughter of Adam, don’t encroach
Knowledge on others because
It’s about how you approach!

“Instead of critiquing them
You should notice inside of you
A weakness–a failure to coexist
While still practicing what’s true

“Don’t look down upon your siblings in faith
Because they probably are
Further along then you regarding
The lives they’ve lived so far

So before you decide to shun someone
Ask yourself, ’Am I
Going to regret their not
Praying on me when I die?’”

“Can I change what I’ve done so far?!”
I pleaded in silent shame.
“I never intended to hurt anyone
I have only me to blame!

“You promised, God, to answer me
When upon you I do call;
So please, help me tear down this
Horrible, self-built wall!”

The angel’s voice replied to me,
“God answers; *you* must hear!
Listen to these Believers
And demonstrate you find them dear!”

I vowed that day to try my best
To find a painful cure
To rid myself of hypocrisy
To, amidst other slaves, be pure.

And strangely, I felt doors open
Showing me my wrong
All slaves of God will return to Him
And to Him we do belong!

Nice? Definitely.

Thanks Q for sharing this poem and thanks to the writer who produced such a beautiful poem.

Believe Him, and you will always be at your glorious moment. Insya-Allah.

Lots of Love,

Syd xx

I supposed to continue the previous post on reminiscing the memories I used to have with dearest friend, M. But at this moment, seems like I got my brain frozen. I am so tired. Raya is approaching. This will be my first time celebrating Raya in Brunei after three years celebrating it overseas.

Raya in UK is not as fun as it should be compared to Raya at home. I am sure all of you have heard of a Malay proverb, “Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri” What the proverb wants to say basically is, “Home country is still the best, even if it is raining gold in other countries, and raining stones at home.” Simply speaking, whatever happened, no matter how much you love the other countries, home country will always be the home sweet home.

So many memories being made when I was celebrating Raya overseas. Three years ago, for someone like me, honestly, I didn’t even have time to cry and getting homesick because I was so happy going out from my country, going out from my home which I used to think it was like a prison to me. Three years ago, back in my country, I didn’t have my freedom that much. I don’t know what’s the use of growing as an adult when I do not understand the meaning of independence. My parents are very strict. I was not allowed to go out late at nights or even went for shopping trips during daytime with my friend or went out for lunch with my colleagues during my high school. I remembered of getting mad and jealous with my friends’ parents who actually allowed to go out. And kept blaming myself, why am I actually being born in this family? If I don’t have my freedom. So enough said.

But then, the first year in UK.. five more days before Syawal, I received a package from my parents. My favourite London Almond biscuit specially made by my abang ipar, my baju kurong which my brother chose the material for me, and the kad raya from both of my parents and each from my little brothers. The kad raya yang actually menyentuh hati. I remember the one my brother wrote, “inda siuk raya tahun ani pasal kau nada” OMG! If that didn’t make you cry.. you must be stone-hearted! And both of them actually drew my favourite characters from Gempak. When I read those cards, it made me cried litres of tears. Words of wisdoms from my dad touched my heart. From there deep down inside my heart I actually know that I really cannot live without them. Hontto ni. And everytime raya, I felt so homesick.

Ever since I received the package, I woke up in the morning, re-read the cards and cried again. Then before I went to sleep at night, I read again the cards and cried again. And with “Ayah Ibu” song as a background, added more elements to the atmosphere.

But like M said in her comments in my previous post, life has to go on! I don’t agree with that. Kalau benar pun life has to go on, please.. there are actually lots of precious things you cannot forget, like memories. Sweet memories. Happy memories. But if there are actually no memories occured between you and me, between you and us as a whole unit, then it’s up to you.. life really has to go. And as for me, I’ll just live up to that crumbles and pieces you left as a sign that you’ve been there once, in my heart.

I sedar for three years mengenali you, D, H, Q and P and some other people at the place I used to study, I may banyak sangat melukakan hati orang. Terkasar bahasa apa tu.. memang sudah tentu. Coz I know me. I know myself. I know that aku cakap suka hati. It’s just me. I said things aloud. I don’t like to keep it inside me and let it burn me. I am not that kind of person to keep it to myself. I just like to vent things out. And I know, when I did that I destroyed every soul in this world. Sp if I did, sepanjang aku mengenali you all.. ampunkan segala salah dan silap ku dari percakapanku dan perilaku ku yang kurang menyenangkan dan menyakitkan hati, di hari yang mulia ini, ingin ku menyusun jari sepuluh memohon maaf zahir dan batin.

I thank you all for budi kamu yang always there for me, helping me out through my ups and downs but then there are some things that will remain in the heart forever. For now, I owe apologies from you all. Tell me, if I don’t deserve it.

There were lots of things happened while I was away from home. I also owe apologies from my cousins and relatives. My uncles and aunts. I am sorry if my get-away actually hurt you deep inside. I don’t want to mengungkit for now, or else I will ruin this post. So better not. Like I said before, some things are meant to be buried forever.

Apa-apapun,

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Hope Hari Raya this year membawa seribu satu keberkatan dan kemaafan sesama insan. Amin.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 1429 Hijrah.

Lots of Love,

Syd xx

17 September 2008, 4:23 am

We are still in the month of Ramadhan. For Brunei, it is the 16th day of fasting. We will be celebrating our Nuzul Al-Quran tomorrow. At this time, I’m still awake. I’ve just finished with my sahur. Alhamdulillah.

A dearest friend of mine, M, whom I started to know around this time of the month 3 years went back to United Kingdom yesterday to do her Masters. I was very disappointed with myself that I cannot sent her off last night. Keadaan tidak mengizinkan. The weather was very unpredictable. It was raining last night. My place is quite far from Bandar, and I fear to go back alone at night. Plus, I was attending giving my last respect to keluarga terdekat who her mother/wife had passed away. Al-Fatihah. Semoga roh beliau dicucuri rahmat, Amin.

Adanya this post to reminisce some memories with M. I won’t be seeing her in the nearest time. But we all know sometimes time can be ahead of us. And it can be jealous of us. I hope time won’t destroy what we used to build for the three years we’ve been together. I do hope all those memories masih terpahat di dada, insya-Allah. And I hope for us like tali air, dicincang ianya tak akan putus.

I actually sent M a text message yesterday wishing her all the best and asked her to drop by this site for this post. Hope she read this =D And you know I miss you.

Ikuza (Let’s Start!)

————–

Dear M,

Did you remember 3 years ago? At this time of the month? We were actually together in the same flight. We were going to the same destination. Even to the same place. But we didn’t know each other. Even though, we are from the same school, we still didn’t have the chance to get around and be introduced. I found out when we actually arrived at Heathrow Airport for luggage collection. And remember, I smiled at you and greeted you. I introduced you to D, whom I seems to know earlier. We were all the scholarship holders for batch 05/08. And I still remembered you said that you thought you are the only one going to Nottingham, so you dealt with everything independently. I wow-ed that for your courage and ability to live “alone”.

But as time passed by, we got closer and closer each day. And you became a friend, or maybe an angel who was always there for me. With your personality, you gained my trust. And I, became, more biasa than ever. We spent a lot of time together. For our first Nottingham Goose Fayre, we went together. You slept over at my place and my bedroom was your first choice. I was very glad that you didn’t mind sharing a bed with me. And it was a sinlge bed after all. We seems to do everything together.  For our first boxing day, we went to London together. We did a mini trip together around London. Thank you to H who actually gave us a lead. And where was D that time? She went back to Brunei. And my companies left with you, H and Q and not to forget an old friend of mine, A.

But I cannot remember why you went back earlier than me. Did you? Maybe it’s the ticket thing. You and Q went back earlier to Nottingham. And while I was enjoying my mini trip with A at HMS Belfast Ship near the London Bridge, you called me up. You explained everything to me, but before you could finished your conversation, my phone died on me. I was damn worried about you that time. I really wished that I could actually fled back to Nottingham at that moment. I went back to Brunei Hall and recharged my phone and called you back. Thanks to Q, she was there to comfort you down. I bet that’d be the creepiest experience ever happened in your life.

There were actually lots of things we shared. My biggest secret. And I remembered you being my chauffeur all the time. lol. And when things didn’t work out, where did I go? I packed my stuffs and went to your house. That was actually the second year. When you moved out from hall and rented a house nearby which was only 5-minutes working from my place. You took care of me properly. You lent me your shoulder and ears for me to cry. You were there! Thank You for the comfort and the TLC (tender loving care) service you gave me. ha-ha.

By this paragraph, I cannot hold my tears anymore.

We did a lot of crazy things. And some things will need to be buried forever. And the fact that you were always by my side even when I fought with someone, thank you. I appreciated that. Thank you for believing in me.

We improved our cooking skills together. We went jalan together at night from the Sports Centre to a take-out shop (QFC) was one of the moment that I won’t forget. And remember, who was with me to watch a Hindustan movie for the first time in a cinema? It was YOU! and not forgetting of course your housemate. We watched Salaam E-Ishq. And who cried with you in the cinema? Hahaha. It’s me. And who laughed at us? Haha. S laughed at us. Nanti ya anak atu! hahaha =p

One of the best moments in our friendship will be those times we spent during our second winter holiday. The three of us went to Paris together. Remember the dog. Remember the French guard who you called with your big bang voice “EXCUSEZ MOI! EXCUSEZ MOI!” at that particular station after we realized that we were going the wrong direction. I was not able to speak because I was afraid. Things rushed into mind with “what if” What if this thing happened? What if? It’s your happy-go-lucky personality that made me felt secure during the trip. And it’s the combination of our strong enthusiam that we managed to survive. Hahaha.

Did you remember the giant dog?? Whom the owner apparently looked like our lecturer, Marcos? That time we were at the tram station queuing up to buy tickets. And the giant dog was just next to you. And you screamed when you realized about it. And the giant dog was actually terkejut and went crazy. The owner was kinda pissed off. We went to the bench nearby and let the owner bought the tickets first. And when he finished, he hushed his giant dog to our side and that’s when the crazy, giant dog went over us and physically, we jumped on our feet to the bench. Hahahahaha. I wonder how our face looked like at that time. It must be fugly, man. Haha. We were lucky that it was early in the morning, so there were not many people around. As far as I am concerned, I remembered there were only you, me, S and the man and his giant dog and of course the ticket lady over the counter.

That trip of Paris will be one of the most wonderful memory I had with you! Definitely! We were all happy together. No fights, all smiles. It’s like the world actually belong to us.

There were a lot of things I am going to list it down here. Maybe I remember some, and maybe I’m going to miss some. But that some parts I’m going to miss for sure can be recall back if you remind me of them. I miss your first so-called invention, Tuna Spaghetti! And Q gave the name Moona Toona Spaghetti. Remember?

And how fanatic you were with Amer Munawer from Ruffedge only Allah knows. You watched the Tipah Teripu VCD again and again for umpteenth time. And you went gugu-gaga over Amir’s first scene. It was hilarious to think about it.

Your LAUGH! Your eerie, creepy laugh!!! I miss that too. H got a copy of that laugh, right? Hope she still keep it though for further reference of how can a woman actually produce such a laugh.

In a relationship, whatever the type/kind of relationship we are in, there will always be ups and downs. but for me and you, I really think we have more of ups than downs! Hontto ni. Like Q said, it’s NO FUN if M is not here. Something like that. And of course the downs of coping up well with each other punya crankiness. Hahaha. OMG! Only Allah knows how we could actually cope up with that. lol.

Small things like cooking together, walking to school together, grocery shopping together, ladies nights’ together (at the point we actually sayed up till dawn talking about marriage and having kids) are some other things that If I were to elaborate it here it’s going to take one whole dayyy! And meaning, this post going to have it’s own part 1 and 2 and so on. So that’s why this post is gonna be one of the special post I’ve ever made since I entered the blogging world three years ago.

M, if you ever actually reach this point of reading this so-long post, I want to say congratulations! haha Oh, and remember the ‘rambut palsu’ incident we experienced masa we went shopping to Hyperama! When there was a big truck passed by.. and shooo~ you said your hair fell! hahahahahaha! That was hilarious! Now, that really put smile onto my face! wahahaha.

Saif Ali Khan of QFC! Send my salam to him! Hope he’s still there to serve you, dear! And eat the ayam of course for me.

I can’t think of more right now. Brain freeze. But for goodness sake, I listed lots already. Hope you enjoy reading this so far. Next post, I might as well talking about our ladies’ night. Our so-called wedding dreams. And our so-called let’s-build-a-family topic!

More to come, keep in tune~

Mata ne~

Lots of Love,

Syd xx

HAPPY RAMADAN TO ALL MUSLIMS OUT THERE!

Apparently, we here in Brunei won’t start our fasting tomorrow. We will be starting on Tuesday. I’ve been so excited to celebrate Ramadan this year. Because Ramadan this time will be Ramadan in Brunei. Ramadan in Brunei will be the most meaningful month ever in my life. A Ramadan with the truly, beloved ones; may it be my dearest family or my best of friends.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO THE MALAYSIANS!

Tanggal tiga puluh satu bulan lapan lima puluh tujuh~ *humming the well-knowned Sudirman’s Tahun 1957 song* I was practically joined the countdown last night in front of the TV! Was watching the Gempak Selebriti Astro. Hrhrhrhr. It was damn FUNNY! lol. Anyway, To Malaysia~ CONGRATULATION!! MERDEKA!! MERDEKA!!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO JUN MATSUMOTO!

The day fell on the 30th August 2008. Happy 25th birthday, dear! All the best for you and ARASHI’s future. Sorry about having a little fangirling moment here. Wishing someone dearest a birthday wish would not be any more than harmful, right? =)

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

Someone’s birthday coming soon. In few more days. Age will rise up ( and so will be the body size! ) hrhr. Looking forward for something good this month. Few more Alaf21 novels or some other Malay novels, perhaps? Make me happy. Make me laugh.

HAPPY.HAPPY.HAPPY.

Lots of Love,
Syd xx

So I thought we gonna be friends forever….. but it didn’t work.

Ternyata cinta pertama bukan mudah untuk dilupakan.

Sigh.

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